Enterprise & customer translations:

[hate the poor]

What the customer is really trying to tell you…

“Why do I need a credit card for this? I don’t believe in credit cards. I don’t fool with those things.”
Translation:
I’ve applied for 10 different credit cards and couldn’t get approved for a single one.

“This card works as a debit or credit card; you can use it as both.”
Translation varies from branch to branch, two most common translations:

I’m really not that stupid, but hopefully this person behind the counter is so I can get a Tahoe for the weekend
Or
I really am that stupid. Cracker Barrel asked me if I want to use it as credit or debit, so that means it is just as good as an AMEX Platinum card.

“Why are you asking me for that? I have a corporate account; it’s already in your system.”

Translation:
I am an important person dammit! Recognize that bitch! Even though I got stuffed in my locker in high school when I was a junior, and I’m on this business trip to do my boss’s bitch work for him. I’m friggin’ important… I hate my life.”

“What? All you have is a Focus? I can’t drive a Focus; they are way too small for me. Isn’t that an economy car? I need something more like a Charger or 300, that’s what I’m used to.”

Translation:
The car I actually own is a Focus…well I don’t actually own it I lease it. But my payments are low because I traded my 87 Cutlass Sierra for it. It was in great condition. But frankly I don’t want to be seen it that damn thing again this weekend. I get laughed at by the opposite sex. Please have a Charger! PLEASE!

“This car smells like pure smoke, and the car is pulling to the right. I think it’s just this model car because I don’t feel safe in this vehicle. Do you have anything bigger I can switch into?

Translation:
The car smells wonderful and drives great; it’s just not going to do when I go out tonight. I want to upgrade, but then I won’t have any money left for drinks tonight or to feed my kids on Monday. Maybe they’ll fall for it and I can get a free upgrade! I drove by the lot earlier and all I saw was SUVs.

“Hi how you doin’?
Translation:
I want to rent a luxury car with cash and use a Chris Sabo rookie card as the deposit

“I don’t know why that card didn’t go through; I put money in the account yesterday”
Translation:
Damn, I didn’t know they took money out of my account up front.

“Well, the car smelled like smoke, it was out of washer fluid, the check engine light was on, it didn’t ride that well, and the car just wasn’t very comfortable. I was pretty disappointed.”
Translation:
It’s exactly what I expected a rental car to be for $25/day. But I know how Enterprise works. Besides Christmas is coming up, I’m in debt up to my chin, both my kids want to go to college out of state, and I lost $500 at the casino this weekend. I need every dime I can get. Hey, I just got a free day. Maybe if I keep complaining they’ll give me the whole damn thing for free.

“Why is it $256?? It’s only supposed to be $40 per day!”
Translation varies branch by branch, two most common translations:
This kid looks young and nervous. Must be the new guy, maybe if I really put the pressure on this kid he’ll/she’ll mess up on the math and I’ll save some money. If not, I’ll at least get a free upgrade next time I come in.
Or
Man Enterprise is trippin’. How the hell can it be that much if it’s only $40 a day? I had it for 5 days and 40 times 5 is 2 hundred and…well I know it ain’t $256. I know they are gonna tell me it’s ‘taxes’. Man what the hell is tax anyway? I don’t charge tax when I sell my weed; I didn’t have to pay O-Dog tax when I got them rims from him. Man screw tax, they just tryin’ to rip me off

“…have a blessed day” (at the end of a voicemail message)

Translation:
Get ready to send a 7 day letter, then do a conversion.

“Wait a minute, last time I reserved an intermediate car I got an Altima for the same price. Why are you giving me this car? Isn’t a Cobalt a compact car?
Translation:
Damn, they were running low on cars last time and I got the free upgrade. Maybe if I act like a snobby, VIP frequent customer they’ll think I am and I’ll get the free upgrade anyway.

“Why do you need to see my bill again? I just rented here last month; don’t you keep that on file?”
Translation:
I actually paid my electric bill on time and in full last month. Shit, I was hoping they would hold on to that one for a few months. Hmmm, maybe they’ll take my cell phone bill even though it’s in my momma’s name…

“Yes, what time do you close today?”
Translation:
I’ll see you around 5:58 this evening

“Yes my insurance covers rental cars….actually I’m not sure how much my deductible is, and I’m pretty sure it’s Allstate”
Translation:
I’m about as insured as a single-wide trailer on the coast of Florida.

[bill_and_paystub]

hahahahahahahahah

Chris Sabo rookie card


hahahahahahahahah

…have a blessed day” (at the end of a voicemail message)

Translation:
Get ready to send a 7 day letter, then do a conversion.

no, THAT was funny...

Customers stink on ice.

[hekiliko'olau]

Originally Posted by hate the poor

What the customer is really trying to tell you…

“Why do I need a credit card for this? I don’t believe in credit cards. I don’t fool with those things.”
Translation:
I’ve applied for 10 different credit cards and couldn’t get approved for a single one.

“This card works as a debit or credit card; you can use it as both.”
Translation varies from branch to branch, two most common translations:

I’m really not that stupid, but hopefully this person behind the counter is so I can get a Tahoe for the weekend
Or
I really am that stupid. Cracker Barrel asked me if I want to use it as credit or debit, so that means it is just as good as an AMEX Platinum card.

“Why are you asking me for that? I have a corporate account; it’s already in your system.”

Translation:
I am an important person dammit! Recognize that bitch! Even though I got stuffed in my locker in high school when I was a junior, and I’m on this business trip to do my boss’s bitch work for him. I’m friggin’ important… I hate my life.”

“What? All you have is a Focus? I can’t drive a Focus; they are way too small for me. Isn’t that an economy car? I need something more like a Charger or 300, that’s what I’m used to.”

Translation:
The car I actually own is a Focus…well I don’t actually own it I lease it. But my payments are low because I traded my 87 Cutlass Sierra for it. It was in great condition. But frankly I don’t want to be seen it that damn thing again this weekend. I get laughed at by the opposite sex. Please have a Charger! PLEASE!

“This car smells like pure smoke, and the car is pulling to the right. I think it’s just this model car because I don’t feel safe in this vehicle. Do you have anything bigger I can switch into?

Translation:
The car smells wonderful and drives great; it’s just not going to do when I go out tonight. I want to upgrade, but then I won’t have any money left for drinks tonight or to feed my kids on Monday. Maybe they’ll fall for it and I can get a free upgrade! I drove by the lot earlier and all I saw was SUVs.

“Hi how you doin’?
Translation:
I want to rent a luxury car with cash and use a Chris Sabo rookie card as the deposit

“I don’t know why that card didn’t go through; I put money in the account yesterday”
Translation:
Damn, I didn’t know they took money out of my account up front.

“Well, the car smelled like smoke, it was out of washer fluid, the check engine light was on, it didn’t ride that well, and the car just wasn’t very comfortable. I was pretty disappointed.”
Translation:
It’s exactly what I expected a rental car to be for $25/day. But I know how Enterprise works. Besides Christmas is coming up, I’m in debt up to my chin, both my kids want to go to college out of state, and I lost $500 at the casino this weekend. I need every dime I can get. Hey, I just got a free day. Maybe if I keep complaining they’ll give me the whole damn thing for free.

“Why is it $256?? It’s only supposed to be $40 per day!”
Translation varies branch by branch, two most common translations:
This kid looks young and nervous. Must be the new guy, maybe if I really put the pressure on this kid he’ll/she’ll mess up on the math and I’ll save some money. If not, I’ll at least get a free upgrade next time I come in.
Or
Man Enterprise is trippin’. How the hell can it be that much if it’s only $40 a day? I had it for 5 days and 40 times 5 is 2 hundred and…well I know it ain’t $256. I know they are gonna tell me it’s ‘taxes’. Man what the hell is tax anyway? I don’t charge tax when I sell my weed; I didn’t have to pay O-Dog tax when I got them rims from him. Man screw tax, they just tryin’ to rip me off

“…have a blessed day” (at the end of a voicemail message)

Translation:
Get ready to send a 7 day letter, then do a conversion.

“Wait a minute, last time I reserved an intermediate car I got an Altima for the same price. Why are you giving me this car? Isn’t a Cobalt a compact car?
Translation:
Damn, they were running low on cars last time and I got the free upgrade. Maybe if I act like a snobby, VIP frequent customer they’ll think I am and I’ll get the free upgrade anyway.

“Why do you need to see my bill again? I just rented here last month; don’t you keep that on file?”
Translation:
I actually paid my electric bill on time and in full last month. Shit, I was hoping they would hold on to that one for a few months. Hmmm, maybe they’ll take my cell phone bill even though it’s in my momma’s name…

“Yes, what time do you close today?”
Translation:
I’ll see you around 5:58 this evening

“Yes my insurance covers rental cars….actually I’m not sure how much my deductible is, and I’m pretty sure it’s Allstate”
Translation:
I’m about as insured as a single-wide trailer on the coast of Florida.

Now THIS is some funny shit! Especially "have a blessed day". So true...all of it. Thank you for the laugh.

“…have a blessed day” (at the end of a voicemail message)

Translation:
Get ready to send a 7 day letter, then do a conversion.

lol that is so freaking funny and spot on!

[noeracforme]

That was absolutely hilarious.

Every single one was so true it was scary. This list should be put in every enterprise and be used as a reference tool with customers.

[Frank the Tank]

This is better than "You know you're a redneck when..."

This should be part of the Grill.

[theycameandgothim]

“Yes, what time do you close today?”
Translation:
I’ll see you around 5:58 this evening


The only thing missing here is "And I'll be needing a ride home, don't worry it's just around the corner" (translation of the last part, it's a half hour away and the traffic is horrendous, you won't be home until 8, but you know what Enterprise should be open until 8 anyway.)

HA HA HA!! How true these all are. Working in EnterHell has made me HATE people like this. 90% of the "people" that rent cars from us are pieces of shit...